Kellyisms
Last update November 26, 2006
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Wisdoms
E before O except before E-I-E-I-O. (A mixture of I before E except after C and the song Old MacDonald had a Farm, E-I-E-I-O as an explanation for the spelling of Sheos) 0925
Feed a cold, starve for pizza. Starve a pizza, eat cold feet. (Instead of Feed a cold, starve a fever.) 0501
He who laughs last laughs West. (Instead of ...best.) 0620
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have seen 'Lost in Space' at all. (Instead of ... than never to have loved at all.) 0922
It turns, therefore I am. (Instead of I think, therefore I am.) 0620
Make new thoughts, but keep the old, one is silver, and the other is old. (Instead of Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver, and the other gold.) 0620
Mom and Dad are my relatives, therefore I am. (Combination of Einstein's theory of relativity and René Descartes' I think, therefore I am) 0322
There, but for the flippers, go I. (Instead of There, but for the grace of God, go I.) 0410
They will never buy the cow if they can get the eggs for free. (You can figure out that one yourself.) ?
Those who can - do, those who can't - do not. (Instead of ... those who can't - criticise. Or: ... those who can't - teach.) 0915
Use a condom, go to jail. (Instead of Use a condom, go to school.) 0601
Statements
As inevitable as death in Texas. (Instead of ... death and taxes.) 0416
Buenos nachos. (Instead of Buenas noches.) 0511
B-U-N-D and sometimes Y. (Combination of the spelling of Bundy and English vowels "A-E-I-O-U and sometimes Y". 0919
Comme ci, comme di. (Instead of Comme ci, comme ça.) 0913
Down yours. (Instead of Up yours.) 1015
Fly like the beagle. (Instead of Fly like an eagle. 0715
I'm going to hold my breast until I turn blue. (Instead of ... breath...) 0826
I'm an Aquarium. (Instead of ... Aquarius.) 0420
I'm on the edge of my feet. (Instead of ... seat.) 0922
I'm on the horns of an enema. (Instead of ... on the horns of a dilemma.) 0419
Is a bear catholic? (Instead of Is the Pope a Catholic? and Does a bear shit in the woods?) 0912
It's as easy as 1, 2, C. (Instead of ... 1, 2, 3.) 0422
It's so hot you could lay an egg on the sidewalk. (Instead of ... fry an egg on the sidewalk. 0523
I wear my heart on a sleaze. (Instead of ... my sleeve.) 0721
Mars to Mom. (Instead of Earth...) 1106
My brain beats faster. (Instead of My heart beats faster.) 0521
Objection stained (instead of ... sustained) 0720
Quoth the Raven 'Demi Moore'. (Instead of Quoth the Raven 'Nevermore'. from Edgar Allan Poe's poem The Raven) 0716
Right, and the check is in my mouth. (Instead of The check is in the mail. and I won't come in your mouth.) 0822
Squid pro quo. (Instead of Quid pro quo.) 0914
That is the squaw that stroke the camel's sack. (Instead of That is the straw that broke the camel's back.) 0901
The defense breasts (instead of ... rests 0720
The mind wobbles. (Instead of The mind boggles.) 609
The prostitution rests. (Instead of The prosecution rests.) 0418, 0720
The quest for the holy pale. (Instead of ... grail.) 0708
Three out of two. (Instead of Two out of three. 1121
You could've knocked me over with the weather. (Instead of You could've knocked me over with a feather.) 0614
Your words fall off me like water of a duck's quack. (Instead of ... duck's back. 0518
Expressions
ABD (instead of ABC) 0521
Adidas (instead of adios 0510
Brazil (as a US state) 0615
Buttshell (instead of nutshell) 0918
Chinese waiter torture (instead of ... water...) 0721
Coyote (instead of Kyoto 1009
Da-ta! (instead of ta-da!) in 1105
East Dakota (instead of North Dakota or South Dakota) 0419
Electrical (instead of electoral) 0707
Felines (instead of females) 0922
Francis Ford Coppertop (instead of Francis Ford Coppola) 0925
Grey mattress (instead of grey matter 0817
G-spot (instead of ten-spot) 0321
Hunchback (instead of hunch) 0523
Illegitimate (instead of illiterate) 0421
Illiteral (instead of illiterate) 0708
Indonesia (instead of amnesia) 1101
Inseminations (instead of influence) 0510
Intersections (instead of interjections) 0610
Jolly Goodfellas (instead of goodfellas) 1015
Long Island (instead of Los Angeles) 0522
Los Angeles, the Big Apple (which would be New York City) 0610
Ministers (instead of minerals) 0617
Mistress (instead of master 0510
Lesbian (instead of Thespian) 0916
Magnesia (instead of amnesia 0717
Mental pause (instead of menopause) 0719
Metamucil (instead of metaphoric 0708
Montecristo's revenge (instead of Montezuma's revenge) 0501
North and South Georgia 0615
Norwegia (instead of Norway) 0803)
Optometrist (instead of optimist 0716
Ping and pong (instead of ying and yang) 1025
Poke (instead of Polk) 0304
Probation (instead of vacation) 0522
Proctology (instead of ecology 1007
Q (in toaster leavin's, instead of G) 0909
Reincastrated (instead of reincarnated) 1025
Rocks (instead of minerals) 0402
Spinach (instead of Spanish) 1022
Stereo system (instead of stereotype) 0908
Street Louis (instead of Saint Louis) 0911
Strip-search me (instead of search me) 0604
Sweat of our bras (instead of ... brows) 0715
Testicle (instead of Testica) 1109
Topeka! (instead of Eureka!) 0506
Unconscious (instead of Confucius) 0922
Urethra! (instead of Eureka!) 0506
Valid dictator (instead of valedictorian) 1008
Vegetarian (instead of veterinary) 0826
Viola (instead of voilà) 0318
Wallabies (instead of wannabes) 0620
Pronunciations
Au revoir (0406)
Bonmots (0610)
Chicago (0419)
Coincidence (0702, 0708)
Faux pas (0623)
FBI (0617)
Germ (0402)
Goose (0521)
Lasagne (0416, 0518)
Meteorologist (0419)
OK Corral (0802)
School (1005)
Science (1005)
Storm (0419)
UCLA (1016)
USC (1016)
Yosemite (0416)
Yvette (0406)
Mix-Ups
19th and 21st century (0620)
"The Father of our country" and "The Godfather of Soul" (0722)
"The Godfather of Soul" and "The Godfather" (0722)
Thomas Jefferson and The Jeffersons (0322)
Kelly on Other Shows
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, April 29, 1996
Conceded instead of conceived
Jerry instead of Jay Leno
Top of the Heap
Pronounciation of 'Verducci'
Spelling of 'Bundy' (she spelt it 'Buddy')
"Dances with Wool" instead of "Dances with Wolves"
"Dig a hole in the ground and throw away the key."
Thanks to Kevin Blanding, Craig Johnson, Ralph Morse, Jighm Brown and Arto. Special thanks to "Marriedaniac".
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© Andreas Carl 2004