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Final Draft Script ACT ONE SCENE ONE (Peggy, Al, Steve, Announcer (V.O.)) FADE IN: INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING (A BEAT, THEN AL ENTERS WEARING A BATHROBE. HE IS FOLLOWED BY PEGGY, ALSO WEARING A ROBE AND SMOKING) |
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PEGGY You were great, Al. AL Leave me alone. (THEY SIT ON THE COUCH) PEGGY C'mon, Al. I really really believe if you'd practice once in a while, you could actually get good at sex. Honey, you don't have to hit your head. AL That's the one part I enjoy, Peg. It takes my mind off what the rest of my body is going through. PEGGY Take it from me, it's not going through much. AL Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday night sex? (HE TURNS ON THE TV) SFX: TV ON ANNOUNCER (O.S.) And that's it for Monday Night Football. (HE TURNS OFF THE TV) SFX: TV OFF (HE LOOKS AT PEGGY) AL This isn't Tuesday, Peg. (SHE HANGS HER HEAD) You've done a bad thing. You must be punished. From now on, when we have sex, it has to be between two consenting adults. PEGGY Oh, Al. I just wanted it to be closer to your shower night. AL Pretty brazen when you're all satisfied, aren't you? PEGGY Just because I scream doesn't mean I'm satisfied. I only screamed because my hair was caught in your watch. I didn't wake you, did I? AL You haven't yet. (THEY KISS. SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS SFX: DOORBELL AL OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE) AL I just had sex, Steve. What do you want? STEVE I'm in trouble, Al. I need help. I was out walking alone. I couldn't face being around people, so I came here. Al, let me start at the beginning. I went to work this morning. Feeling good. Feeling spry. The bank was crowded so I sent a teller on a break. I was on top of the world. Then I found this on my desk. (STEVE HANDS AL A PIECE OF NEWSPAPER) AL (READING) "Tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine." Well, it happens. Get on with your life, Steve. STEVE Turn it over, Al. (AL TURNS THE PAPER OVER) AL (READING) "Monoxodyl: Hope for the hairless" STEVE Do you know what this is? It's the stuff they give to men who are... (NUMBLES) ... going bald. (BREAKS DOWN) AL Huh? STEVE ... going bald! Why would someone give this to me? AL Well, let me see your head. (STEVE TURNS AND SHOWS AL THE BACK OF HIS HEAD) STEVE Do you see anything, Al? AL My reflection. STEVE Then it's true. It's starting. AL That's like saying Bette Davis is just starting. STEVE You saw this and didn't tell me? AL I saw it and didn't care. STEVE What am I going to do, Al? AL Go bald. STEVE You're awfully cavalier about this, y'know. Old Man Time has been doing a little mowing on your head, too. AL I know. STEVE You know? AL Sure. You've seen my wife, my kids, my house. I'm lucky my hands haven't fallen off. STEVE How can you accept this? If all our hair falls out, our wives won't want us anymore. AL (ENCOURAGING) There you go. Look on the bright side. STEVE I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll habe me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar, with a sign that says "Please"? AL C'mon, Steve. There's lots of popular bald guys. STEVE Name one. AL Fred Mertz. Kruchev. Gallagher. STEVE You forgot the Elephant Man. AL (AGREEING) Elephant man. |
PEGGY You were great, Al. AL Leave me alone. (THEY SIT ON THE COUCH) PEGGY Oh c'mon, Al. I really really believe if you'd practice once in a while, you could actually get good at sex. And honey, you don't have to hit your head. AL That's the one part I enjoy, Peg. Keeps my mind off what the rest of my body is going through. PEGGY Yeah, well, take it from me, it's not going through much. AL Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday night sex? (HE TURNS ON THE TV) SFX: TV ON ANNOUNCER (O.S.) And that's it for Monday Night Football. (HE TURNS OFF THE TV) SFX: TV OFF (HE LOOKS AT PEGGY) AL It isn't Tuesday, Peg. (SHE HANGS HER HEAD) You've done a bad thing. You must be punished. (misssing line) PEGGY Oh, Al. I just wanted it to be closer to your shower night. AL Pretty brazen when you're all satisfied, aren't you? PEGGY Just because I scream doesn't mean I'm satisfied. I was screaming because my hair was caught in your watch. I didn't wake you, did I? AL You haven't yet. (THEY KISS. SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS SFX: DOORBELL AL OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE) AL I just had sex, Steve. What do you want? STEVE Look, I think I'm in trouble, Al. I need help. You see, I was out walking alone. I couldn't face being around people, so I came here. Al, just let me start at the beginning. I went to work today. Feeling good. Feeling spry. The bank was crowded so I sent a teller on a break. I was on top of the world. Then I found this on my desk. (STEVE HANDS AL A PIECE OF NEWSPAPER) AL (READING) "Tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine." Well, it happens. Get on with the rest of your life, Steve. STEVE Turn it over, Al. (AL TURNS THE PAPER OVER) AL (READING) "Monoxodyl: Hope for the hairless" STEVE (Missing word) You know what this is? This is the stuff they give guys who are... (NUMBLES) ... going bald. (BREAKS DOWN) AL Huh? STEVE ... going bald! Why would someone give this to me? AL Well, I don't know, let me see your head. (STEVE TURNS AND SHOWS AL THE BACK OF HIS HEAD) AL Ah... STEVE What, do you see something, Al? AL My reflection. STEVE Then it's true. It's starting. AL That's like saying Bette Davis is just starting. STEVE You mean you saw this and didn't tell me? AL I saw it and didn't care. (missing lines) STEVE You're awfully cavalier about this, y'know. Old Man Time has been doing a little mowing on your head, too. AL I know. STEVE You know? AL Sure. You've seen my wife, my house, my kids. I'm lucky my hands haven't fallen off. STEVE How can you accept this? If all our hair falls off, our, our, our wives won't want us anymore. AL (ENCOURAGING) There you go. Look on the bright side. STEVE I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll habe me? (missing line) Have you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. (missing lines) AL C'mon, Steve. There's plenty of popular bald guys. STEVE Name one. AL Mussolini. Kruchev. Lex Luther. STEVE You forgot the Elephant Man. AL (AGREEING) The Elephant man. |
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STEVE Thanks for giving me some heroes, Al. Well, if you think of any others, y'know, like Bozo the Clown, I'll be waiting on the ledge of the Sears Tower. AL Steve, You can't do that. I've been up there and they have guardrails. STEVE Then I'll just have to fight this thing with every follicle in my being. How am I going to hide this from Marcy? AL Do what I do. Never turn your back on a woman. It's something I'd recommend even if you had hair like Rapunzel. STEVE I gotta get some friends. (STEVE EXITS) DISSOLVE TO: |
(many missing lines) STEVE Cool guys, one and all, Al. How am I going to hide this from Marcy? She's about to look at my head sooner or later. AL Draw her attention away from it. Paint a picture on your bald spot, learn to throw your voice. STEVE Sure, joke if you will, but I love my hair. Al, my mother saved the curls from my first haircut. Where are they now then I need them? Well, I will tell you this: I will fight this (missing word) with every follicle of my being. AL You bend over, you can signal the troops. (STEVE EXITS) DISSOLVE TO: |
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ACT ONE SCENE TWO (Al, Crystal, Amber, Steve) INT. SHOE STORE - DAY (AL IS BUISYING HIMSELF. TWO PRETTY YOUNG WOMEN ENTER. AL HAS HIS BACK TO THEM. HE SNIFFS THE AIR) |
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AL A Sea breeze. (HE TURNS AND SEES THEM) Hello. I see you're not fat and don't have an attitude, so you're obviously not looking for me. What can I do for you? CRYSTAL We just came in to see if we could get some change. So many places have a rule that you have to buy something. AL That's just for the homely. (SHE HOLDS OUT A DOLLAR. HE TAKES IT) CRYSTAL Say, didn't you used to play football for the Bears? AL (MODESTLY) Me? Well... yeah. CRYSTAL I knew it. You just have those rugged good looks of an athlete in his prime. AL Yeah. It never goes away, does it? If it wasn't for this darn bum knee, I'd still be on those Wheaties boxes like you remember me. Well, let me get your change. (AL DOES AN EXAGGERATED LIMP TO THE REGISTER) Damn this leg. (THE GIRLS LOOK AT SOME SHOES) AMBER You've seen that guy play football? (AL OVERHEARS THE FOLLOWING) CRYSTAL No. I've got a soft spot in my heart for guys who are losing their hair. AMBER Would you ever sleep with a bald guy? CRYSTAL Oh, God, no. (AL CLEARS HIS THROAT BEHIND THEM. THEY TURN. HE GIVES CRYSTAL HER CHANGE) AL Here you go. CRYSTAL Thanks, handsome. AL Yeah. Right. (THEY EXIT. AL GETS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND LOOKS AT HIS HEAD IN THE MIRROR. STEVE ENTERS) STEVE (INDICATES WITH THUMB) Mecca's that way, Al. AL Hey, Steve. How you doin'? STEVE A little better than last night. I just ran into two girls who thought I was a football player. Anyhow, I came down to get some Monoxodyl, but you need a perscription. All I could get over the counter was this stuff: Dr. Fur. (STEVE'S WATCH ALARM GOES OFF) SFX: WATCH ALARM Time to feed and seed. (HE RUBS ON DR. FUR) I can feel it working. AL It smells like dog food. STEVE If I thought it would grow hair, I'd put your socks on my head. You want some? AL No. (WE SEE CRYSTAL AND AMBER WALK BY ON THE ARM OF A GUY WITH LONG, GOOD HAIR. BEAT, THEN AL LOWERS HIS HEAD. STEVE POURS SOME ON) DISSOLVE TO: |
AL A Sea breeze. (HE TURNS AND SEES THEM) Hello. I see you're not fat and don't have an attitude, so you can't be looking for me. But how can I help you? CRYSTAL We just came in to see if we could get some change. So many places have a rule that you have to buy something. AL That's just for the homely. (SHE HOLDS OUT A DOLLAR. HE TAKES IT) CRYSTAL Say, didn't you used to play football for the Bears? AL (MODESTLY) Me? Well... yeah. CRYSTAL I knew it. You just have those rugged good looks of an athlete in his prime. AL Yeah. It never goes away, does it? If it wasn't for this darn bum knee, I'd still be on those Wheaties boxes like you remember me. Well, let me get your change. (AL DOES AN EXAGGERATED LIMP TO THE REGISTER) Damn this leg. (THE GIRLS LOOK AT SOME SHOES) AMBER You've seen that guy play football? (AL OVERHEARS THE FOLLOWING) CRYSTAL No. I've just got a soft spot in my heart for guys who are losing their hair. AMBER Would you ever sleep with a bald guy? CRYSTAL Oh, God, no. (AL CLEARS HIS THROAT BEHIND THEM. THEY TURN. HE GIVES CRYSTAL HER CHANGE) AL Here you go. CRYSTAL Thanks, handsome. AL Yeah. Right. (THEY EXIT. AL GETS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND LOOKS AT HIS HEAD IN THE MIRROR. STEVE ENTERS) STEVE (INDICATES WITH THUMB) Mecca's that way, Al. AL Hey, how you doin', Steve? STEVE A little better than last night. I just ran into two girls who thought I was a football player. Anyhow, I came down to get some Monoxodyl, but you need a perscription. All I could get over the counter was this stuff: Dr. Fur. (STEVE'S WATCH ALARM GOES OFF) SFX: WATCH ALARM Time to feed and seed. (HE RUBS ON DR. FUR) Oooh, I can feel it working. AL It smells like dog food. STEVE If I thought it would grow hair, I'd put your socks on my head. You want some? AL No. (WE SEE CRYSTAL AND AMBER WALK BY ON THE ARM OF A GUY WITH LONG, GOOD HAIR. BEAT, THEN AL LOWERS HIS HEAD. STEVE POURS SOME ON) DISSOLVE TO: |
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ACT ONE SCENE THREE (Al, Peggy, Marcy, Buck) INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING (AL IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. BUCK IS LICKING AL'S HEAD) |
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AL (IN HIS SLEEP) Go away, Peg. It's not Tuesday. (PEGGY ENTERS, SNIFFING AT THE AIR) PEGGY Al, get up. (AL WAKES UP) Something smells. I think Buck threw up somewhere in the house, but I can't find it. Well, I guess it'll turn up or it won't. AL I wish you took that attitude on our sex nights. I'm going upstairs to finish my nap. (HE GOES UPSTAIRS. BUCK FOLLOWS HIM) (TO BUCK) Go away. Leave me alone. (HE EXITS) SFX: DOORBELL AL (CONT'D) (O.S.) Get off me (PEGGY GOES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT TO MARCY) PEGGY Hi, Marce. MARCY Oh, Peggy, I'r, so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero. PEGGY Ooh. The ribbed kind? MARCY On his head, Peggy. It's a hat. PEGGY You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the Walkman. MARCY That's not all. Steve insists we turn the light off when we make love. PEGGY Well, that was one c-I the few rules Al and I both agreed to. MARCY I'm really worried. Usually on Monday nights, we go see an art film. Instead, Steve took me to an Elmer Fudd retrospective. And all Steve kept saving was, "Isn't he sexy?" You think he's having an affair? PEGGY Oh, don't worry. Strange behavior in men doesn't necessarily mean anvthing. The smallest things can upset them. Their favorite team loses, the car won't start, you lose your cigarette in his pudding. MARCY I'm telling you, Steve has something on his mind. PEGGY So what are you supposed to do? Care? C'mon. He's got a mother. She broke him, let her fix him. We have enough trouble in a marriage keeping ourselves happy. Let's shop and really give them something to worry about. (THE GIRLS EXIT. BUCK RUNS DOWNSTAIRS. HE HAS THE BOTTLE OF DR. FUR IN HIS MOUTH. AL HURRIES AFTER HIM) AL Bring that back. (BUCK EXITS OUT THE DOG DOOR. AL REACTS) (STEVE ENTERS THROUGH SLIDING GLASS DOOR. WE HEAR DOGS BARKING) SFX: DOGS BARKING STEVE Al, I've got some bad news. "Dr. Fur" has been recalled. They determined it to be one hundred percent dog food. AL Steve, I bought twenty bucks worth of that stuff. STEVE So, you got talken. But this stuff is the real thin AL Insta-hair? STEVE You betcha. You use this slime twice a day, and in two weeks, (POINTS TO HEAD) Sasquatch city. (AL REACHES FOR THE INSTA-HAIR) Not so fast, Al. It may not work on you. The doctor I go-it from in the bar wouldn't sell it to me until he tested me first. Sit down. (AL SITS ON' THE COUCH) AL Did this guy by any chance grab you and ask you to cough? STEVE Do you want to know if you're an Insta-hair candidate or not? AL (SIGHS) Okay, Steve. Gimme the test. (STEVE LIGHTS A MATCH AND BLOWS IT OUT) STEVE You ready? AL Yeah. STEVE Here we go. (STEVE TOUCHES THE MATCH HEAD TO AL'S SCALP) AL Ow! STEVE Good! Good! My head burned, too. AL Great, Steve. Hang on, a second. (HE GOES TO THE CLOSET AND GETS A BASEBALL BAT) I have a little test for you, Steve. STEVE Don't you see, Al? Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that better than anybody. Your follicles are alive. (STEVE GIVES HIM A BOTTLE AND TAKES ONE FOR HIMSELF) Bottoms up, Al. (AL DRINKS A DEEP SLUG FROM THE BOTTLE. HE REACTS) STEVE (CONT'D) Uh, Al. You're not supposed to drink it. It goes on your head. AL Then why the Hell did vou say "Bottoms up" for? STEVE Don't worry. Let me check something. (HE READS THE LABEL, THEN) Can you still see me? AL Yeah. STEVE Well, it says sometimes it takes a few days. Splash some on your head. (THEY EACH RUB THEIR HEADS HAPPILY) AL Steve, I'm gonna part mine. What are you gonna do with yours? STEVE I'm gonna grow mine wild like a lion' s mane. AL You know if we don't grow hair I'm gonna kill you. STEVE If we don't grow hair, you won't have to. (THEY RUB) |
AL (IN HIS SLEEP) Go away from me, Peg. It's not Tuesday. (PEGGY ENTERS, SNIFFING AT THE AIR) PEGGY Al, get up. (AL WAKES UP) Something smells. I think Buck threw up (missing word) in the house, but I can't find it. Well, (missing words) it'll turn up or it won't. AL I wish you took that attitude on our sex nights. I'm going to finish my nap upstairs. (HE GOES UPSTAIRS. BUCK FOLLOWS HIM) (TO BUCK) Get away from me. Leave me alone. (HE EXITS) SFX: DOORBELL AL (CONT'D) (O.S.) Get off me (PEGGY GOES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT TO MARCY) PEGGY Oh hi, Marce. MARCY Oh, Peggy, I'r, so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero. PEGGY Ooh. The ribbed kind? MARCY On his head, Peggy. It's a hat. PEGGY Oh well, you gotta put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the Walkman. MARCY That's not all. Steve insists we turn the light off when we make love. PEGGY Well, that was one c-I the few rules Al and I both agreed to. MARCY Peggy, I'm really worried. Usually on Monday nights, Steve and I go see an art film. Instead, he took me to an Elmer Fudd retrospective. And all Steve kept saving was, "Isn't he sexy?" You think he's having an affair? PEGGY Oh, don't worry, Marce. Strange behavior in men doesn't necessarily mean anvthing. The smallest things (missing word) upset them. Their favorite team loses, the car doesn't start, you lose your cigarette in his pudding. MARCY Well, I'm telling you, Steve is having something on his mind. PEGGY So what are you supposed to do about it? Care? C'mon. He's got a mother. She broke him, let her fix him. We have enough trouble keeping ourselves happy in a marriage. Come on, let's shopping and really give them something to worry about. (THE GIRLS EXIT. BUCK RUNS DOWNSTAIRS. HE HAS THE BOTTLE OF DR. FUR IN HIS MOUTH. AL HURRIES AFTER HIM) AL Bring my Dr. Fur back. (BUCK EXITS OUT THE DOG DOOR. AL REACTS) (STEVE ENTERS THROUGH SLIDING GLASS DOOR. WE HEAR DOGS BARKING) STEVE Damn dogs followed me home. Al, I've got some bad news. "Dr. Fur" has been recalled. They determined it to be one hundred percent dog food. AL Oh Steve, I paid twenty bucks for that stuff. STEVE So, you got talken. But this stuff is the real thin AL Insta-hair? STEVE You betcha. You use this slime twice a day, and in two weeks, (POINTS TO HEAD) Sasquatch city. (AL REACHES FOR THE INSTA-HAIR) Not so fast, Al. This may not work on you. The doctor I go-it from in the bar wouldn't sell it to me until he tested me first. Sit down. (AL SITS ON' THE COUCH) AL Did he happen to grab you and tell you to cough? STEVE Do you want to know if you're an Insta-hair candidate or not? AL (SIGHS) Ah, go ahead. Gimme the test. (STEVE LIGHTS A MATCH AND BLOWS IT OUT) STEVE You ready? AL Yeah. STEVE Here we go. (STEVE TOUCHES THE MATCH HEAD TO AL'S SCALP) AL Ow! STEVE Good! Good! My head burned, too. AL Good. Just hang on, a second Steve. (HE GOES TO THE CLOSET AND GETS A BASEBALL BAT) I have a little test for you, Steve. STEVE Don't you see, Al? Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that better than anyone. Your follicles are alive. (STEVE GIVES HIM A BOTTLE AND TAKES ONE FOR HIMSELF) Bottoms up, Al. (AL DRINKS A DEEP SLUG FROM THE BOTTLE. HE REACTS) STEVE (CONT'D) Uh, Al. You're not supposed to drink it. It goes on your head. AL But why the Hell did vou say "Bottoms up" for? STEVE Don't worry. Let me check something. (HE READS THE LABEL, THEN) Can you still see me? AL Yeah. STEVE Then you're one of the five percent. Splash some on your head. (THEY EACH RUB THEIR HEADS HAPPILY) AL (Missing word) I'm gonna part mine. What are you gonna do with yours? STEVE I'm gonna grow mine wild like a lion' s mane. AL You know if we don't grow hair I'm gonna kill you. STEVE If we don't grow hair, you won't have to. I'll kill myself. (THEY RUB) |
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FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO SCENE ONE (Al, Steve, Kelly, Bud) FACE IN: INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER (AL AND STEVE RUB ON. KELLY AND BUD ENTER. THEY WATCH FOR A BEAT) |
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BUD Hey, guys. Whatcha doing? AL We're growing hair, Bud. BUD They're growing hair, Kell. KELLY Why? They're old. Who looks at 'em anyway? BUD Yeah. Look around you, Dad. If hair got you all this, let it go. STEVE Let him laugh, Al. In ten years his head will be as barren as your lawn. BUD What do you mean? STEVE Wel1, Bud, hair is hereditary. So is hair loss. KELLY (JOYOUS) You mean by the time his skin clears up, his hair will be falling out? Oh, Bud. My poor sexless, hairless brother. I'm so happy for you. BUD Oh, Dad. Why did you have me? For a biological experiment? I was just getting used to being poor and now this. KELLY Easy, Bud. Stress causes baldness. Relax. And remember, you can always make money selling flowers at airports. I'll lend vou one of my dresses. BUD Yeah. Give me the one that says "Put 'em here, boys." (KELLY BRUSHES S0ME IMAGINARY HAIR OFF BUD'S SHOULDER, AND EXITS) BUD (CONT'D) Dad, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna lose just a little like you, or am I gonna be like Mr. Rhoades? (STEVE MASSAGES MORE FURIOUSLY) AL Bud, sit down. (BUD SITS) I hope that by the time you're a man, hair isn't important. That a man isn't judged by how he looks on the outside, but who he is on the inside. (BEAT) That's not gonna happen, so here you go. (HE GIVES BUD THE BOTTLE. THE THREE GUYS RUB AWAY) DISSOLVE TO: |
BUD Hey, guys. Whatcha doing? AL We're growing hair, Bud. BUD They're growing hair, Kell. KELLY Why? They're old. Who looks at 'em anyway? BUD Yeah. Dad, I mean look around you. If hair got you all this, let it go. STEVE Let him laugh, Al. In ten years his head will be as barren as your lawn. BUD What do you mean? STEVE Wel1, Bud, hair is hereditary. So is hair loss. KELLY (JOYOUS) So you mean by the time his skin clears up, his hair will be falling out? Oh, Bud. My poor sexless, hairless brother. I'm so happy for you. BUD Oh, Dad. Why did you have me? For a biological experiment? I mean I was just getting used to being poor and now this. KELLY Easy, Bud. Stress causes baldness. Relax. Who cares if you are bald, you can always make money selling flowers at airports. I'll lend vou one of my dresses. BUD Yeah. Give me the one that says "Put 'em here, boys." KELLY You know, it's gonna be so much fun at school tomorrow with all the kids around chanting 'Bud, Bud, head like a spot'. BUD Dad, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna lose just a little like you, or am I gonna be like Mr. Rhoades? (STEVE MASSAGES MORE FURIOUSLY) AL Bud, sit down. (BUD SITS) I hope when you will become a man, hair won't be important. That a man won't be judged by how he looks on the outside, but who he is on the inside. (BEAT) That's not gonna happen, so here you go. (HE GIVES BUD THE BOTTLE. THE THREE GUYS RUB AWAY) DISSOLVE TO: |
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ACT TWO SCENE TWO (Kelly, Peggy, Al, Bud, Steve) INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY (KELLY IS ON THE COUCH, BRUSHING BUCK. PEGGY COMES DOWNSTAIRS) |
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PEGGY Hi, Kelly. I'm sorry I couldn't make breakfast. I was busy prying off the pillow that was stuck to daddy's head. KELLY He's not growing any hair, is he? PEGGY No, but a few hundred came away with the pillow. KELLY Y'know, it's amazing. I saw pictures of Dad when he was young. He stood upright. And he had hair. Now look at him. How's a woman to know? PEGGY You can't honey. Basically, it's a crap shoot. AL (O.S.) Peg. Did you throw out those hairs that I had sitting on the counter? PEGGY Sometimes you come up craps. (PEGGY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. BUD COMES DOWNSTAIRS. KELLY SEES HIM. AND PLANTS A CLUMP OF BUCK'S HAIR ON THE COUCH) KELLY Hey, Bud. Sit dowN. I want to talk to you. BUD Look, Kell. I don't think we have much to talk about after you painted my face on Dad's bowling ball and left it outside my door. KELLY I was cruel, and I want to apologize. You're not losing your hair. Look. (SHE PALMS BUCK'S HAIR AND TOUSLES HIS HAIR, AND BRINGS OUT THE CLUMP OF BUCK'S HAIR AND SHOWS HIM) Oops. (SHE LETS IT FALL FROM HER FINGERS. HE REACTS WITH HORROR AND RUSHES UPSTAIRS) BUD Dad! It's starting. (BUD EXITS) KELLY You don't mind that I'm playing with Bud, do you? PEGGY No. That's why we had him. Come with mee to the store. I've got to pick up some of this "Dr. Fur" for Buck. It's the only thing he'll eat. His coat looks nice, too. (THEY EXIT CROSSING STEVE, WHO WEARS A FEDORA) Hi, Steve. STEVE Ladies. Is Al home? PEGGY Upstairs. You look good in a hat, Steve. (THEY EXIT AND CLOSE THE DOOR. A BEAT, THEN WE HEAR THEM LAUGH. STEVE REACTS. AL COMES DOWNSTAIRS) AL Oh. Hey, Steve. Stupid hat. Let me see your head. (STEVE SHOWS HIM) It's a graveyard, Steve. Me? (HE SHOWS STEVE HIS HEAD) STEVE A ghost town. AL We may as well face it, Steve. This stuff isn't working. It tastes good, but it's not working. We're gonna have to learn to live with it. These are our heads. STEVE I can't bear this burden alone, Al. I've heard that help is available for guys like us, but I need to borrow your shoe store. AL For what? FLIP TO: |
PEGGY Oh hi, Kelly. (Missing words) Sorry I didn't make you breakfast. I was busy prying off the pillow that was stuck to daddy's head. KELLY He's not growing any hair, is he? PEGGY No, but a few hundred came off with the pillow. KELLY Y'know, it's amazing. I saw pictures of Dad when he was young. He stood upright. And he had hair. Now look at him. How's a woman to know? PEGGY You can't honey. Basically, it's a crap shoot. AL (O.S.) Peg. Did you throw out those hairs that I had sitting on the counter? PEGGY Sometimes you come up craps. (PEGGY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. BUD COMES DOWNSTAIRS. KELLY SEES HIM. AND PLANTS A CLUMP OF BUCK'S HAIR ON THE COUCH) KELLY Uhm, Bud. Sit dowN. I want to talk to you. BUD Look, Kell. I don't think we have much to talk about, I mean after you painted my face on Dad's bowling ball and left it outside my door. KELLY I was cruel, and I want to apologize. See, you're not losing your hair. Look. (SHE PALMS BUCK'S HAIR AND TOUSLES HIS HAIR, AND BRINGS OUT THE CLUMP OF BUCK'S HAIR AND SHOWS HIM) Oops. (SHE LETS IT FALL FROM HER FINGERS. HE REACTS WITH HORROR AND RUSHES UPSTAIRS) BUD Dad! It's starting. (BUD EXITS) KELLY You don't mind that I'm playing with Bud, do you? PEGGY No. That's why we had him. Come on, we'll talk about it on the way to the store. I've got to pick up some (missing words) "Dr. Fur" for Buck. It's the only thing he'll eat. His coat looks nice, too. (THEY EXIT CROSSING STEVE, WHO WEARS A FEDORA) Oh hi, Steve. STEVE Ladies. Is Al home? PEGGY Yeah, he's upstairs. Gee, you look good in a hat, Steve. (THEY EXIT AND CLOSE THE DOOR. A BEAT, THEN WE HEAR THEM LAUGH. STEVE REACTS. AL COMES DOWNSTAIRS) AL Oh. Hey, Steve. Stupid hat. Let me see your head. (STEVE SHOWS HIM) It's a graveyard (missing word). Me? (HE SHOWS STEVE HIS HEAD) STEVE A ghost town. AL We have to face it, Steve. This stuff isn't working. (Missing word) Tastes good, but it doesn't work. And we have to learn to live with it. These are our heads. STEVE Al, I can't bear this burden alone. Listen, I've heard there's help available for guys like us, but I need to borrow your shoe store. AL For what? FLIP TO: |
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ACT TWO SCENE THREE (Steve, Al, Bald Guys, Murray, Lance, Jim) INT. SHOE STORE - NIGHT (WE SEE THAT CHAIRS HAVE BEEN ARRANGED FOR A MEETING AND SITTING IN THEM ARE ABOUT A DOZEN BALD MEN, STEVE AND AL AMONG THEM. A SIGN, COMPLETE WITH THE LOGO OF A BALD EAGLE, IS HUNG BEHIND A MAKESHIFT PODIUM. MURRAY, THE HEAD BALD GUY, STEPS TO THE PODIUM AND BANGS A CALL THE MEETING TO ORDER) |
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MURRAY Hi, I'm Murray. And I'im bald. BALD GUYS Hi, Murray! MURRAY Hi guys. It's wonderful to be here with my brothers in baldness. AL I always wondered what's below the bottom of the barrel. Now I know. It's me. STEVE Pay attention. AL Leave me alone, Steve. STEVE "Brother" Steve. (AL SIGHS) MURRAY Right now, I'd like to turn the meeting over to Brother Lance. (LANCE STANDS UP) LANCE Hi. I'm Lance and I'm bald. AL No kidding. BALD GUYS Hi, Lance. LANCE I'd like to open this week's meeting on a sad note. Brother Herbert went to Hawaii and forgot to pack his hat. A hairy child put a reflector by his head as he dozed, and well, it'll be a long time before he does his famous head in the bowling ball cleaner routine again. (THEY ALL MOAN SADLY) So I'd like to bring up a motion to send him-, the traditional arrangement of balloons with ears, so he'll think of us. All in favor? EVERYONE Bald. LANCE Opposed? JIM Hair LANCE Motion carries. Which brings me to our thought for tonight. "Hair. How can we stop it?" Now, I admit, at one time, man might have needed hair. Like in prehistoric times when very large birds flew overhead and hats hadn't been invented. But times have changed. We've evolved. Or should I say some of us have evolved. Let's face it. We no longer need appendixes, we no longer need wisdom teeth, and we certainly don't need John Davidson. MURRAY Or Michael Landon STEVE Or Gene Shalit JIM Or Joe Garagiola LANCE He's bald, Jim. JIM Yeah, but I'm sick of him. LANCE (BEAT) Well, the point is the bald are more evolved, more intelligent and more sophisticated. So next time a hairy child comes up and says, "Hey, let me rub your head for luck," you just tell that child, "That's not what your mother rubbed." (LONG BEAT) Now, let's share. Who among us shall be first? (STEVE RAISES HIS HAND) Brother Steve. (STEVE STANDS UP) STEVE I'm Steve and I've been cancealing my... problem... BALD GUYS Say it. LANCE Say it. STEVE My baldness from my wife. I was ashamed. (THE BALD MAN NEXT TO AL IS TEARING UP. AL REACTS) STEVE (CONT'D) But you have given me the strength to be proud of my hairline, no matter where it may wander across my head. You're the greatest. I love you. (THEY APPLAUD. STEVE SITS DOWN) LANCE Good, Brother Steve. Tell her so she can realize, like thousands of other women have, that bald men are sexier, more virile, and aerodynamic. Let's face it. It doesn't get better than bald. Al bald headd days good in bed. (THEY ALL CHEER) All right! Brother Al. Have you been moved to share? AL Sure, I'll share. Let me share this little tidbit with you. You guys are nuts. Attractive, virile, sexy? Women want you? For what? To check their make-up? But you human flashlights have really helped me. When I came here tonight, I thought I was bald. But looking at you 'guys, I realize two things. One, I really miss playing pool, and two, I'm not bald. Steve's not bald. You guys are bald. Really bald. Hundred watt, soft-white bald. Steve, we should feel great, cause we got hair. And I'll tell you something else. If and when I do lose my hair, I still won't be sitting here with you. Cause I've got something at home that doesn't care what I look like. That accepts me for what I am, and is always there when I need it. My couch. (HE SWAGGERS OUT AS BALD GUYS BOO HIM) DISSOLVE TO: |
MURRAY Hi, I'm Murray. And I'im bald. BALD GUYS Hi, Murray! MURRAY Hi guys. We will now bring this meeting of Bald American Dudes to order. Will you please bring in our newest brothers, Brother Al and Brother Steve. (THEY BRING IN STEVE AND AL, BOTH WEARING AN EYE-PATCH. THEN THE PATCHES ARE REMOVED) AL I don't like this. It's like the day I got married. BALD GUYS Hi Steve. Hi Al. AL (LOOKING AROUND, THEN TO LANCE) Can I please have my blind fold back? MURRAY Right now, I'd like to turn the meeting over to Brother Lance. (LANCE STANDS UP) LANCE Hi. I'm Lance and I'm bald. AL No kidding. (missing line) LANCE I'd like to open this week's meeting on a sad note. Brother Herbert went to Hawaii and forgot to pack his hat. A hairy child put a reflector by his head as he dozed, and well, it'll be a long time before he does his famous head in the bowling ball cleaner routine again. (THEY ALL MOAN SADLY. AL LAUGHS) So I'd like to bring up a motion to send him-, the traditional arrangement of balloons with ears, so he'll think of us. All in favor? EVERYONE Bald. LANCE Opposed? JIM Hair LANCE Motion carries. Which brings me to our thought for tonight. "Hair. How can we stop it?" Now, I admit, that at one time, man might have needed hair. Like in prehistoric times when very large birds flew overhead and hats hadn't been invented. But times have changed. (long missing part) (Missing word) The point is the bald are more evolved, more intelligent and more sophisticated. So next time a hairy child comes up and says, "Hey, let me rub your head for luck," you just tell that child, "That's not what your mother rubbed." (LONG BEAT) So, let's share. Who among us shall be first? (STEVE RAISES HIS HAND) Brother Steve. (STEVE STANDS UP) STEVE I'm Steve and I've been cancealing my... problem... BALD GUYS Say it. LANCE Say it. Say it. STEVE My baldness from my wife. I was ashamed. (THE BALD MAN NEXT TO AL IS TEARING UP. AL REACTS) STEVE (CONT'D) But you have given me the strength to be proud of my hairline, no matter where it may wander across my head. You're the greatest. I love you guys. (THEY APPLAUD. STEVE SITS DOWN) LANCE Good, Brother Steve. Tell her so she can realize, like thousands of other women have, that bald men are sexier, more virile, and aerodynamic. Let's face it. It doesn't get better than bald. Remember, a bald head says good in bed. (THEY ALL CHEER) All right, all right! Brother Al. Have you been moved to share? AL Yeah, sure, I'll share. Let me share this little tidbit with you. You guys are nuts. Attractive, virile, sexy? Women want you? For what? To check their make-up? But you human flashlights have really helped me. When I came here tonight, I thought I was bald. But looking at you 'guys, I realize two things. One, I really miss shooting pool, and two, I'm not bald. Steve's not bald. You guys are bald. Really bald. One hundred watt, soft-white bald. (missing line) Let me say one more thing.. If and when I do lose my hair, I still won't be sitting here with you. Cause I've (missing word) something at home that doesn't care what I look like. That accepts me for what I am, and is always there when I need it. My couch. (HE SWAGGERS OUT AS BALD GUYS BOO HIM) DISSOLVE TO: |
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ACT TWO SCENE FOUR (Steve, Marcy) INT. SHOE STORE - LATER THAT NIGHT (STEVE SITS ALONE. MARCY ENTERS) |
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MARCY Steve? Al told me I'd find you here. What's wrong? STEVE I've just been sitting here trying to decide how to tell you something terrible. MARCY What is it, Steve? STEVE I'm going bald. MARCY And? STEVE That's it. That's the news. MARCY I've known that since the day you got on your knees to propose. STEVE Then you still think I'm attractive? MARCY Oh, Steve. Of course. Anybody would. (THEY HUG) STEVE Well, somebody doesn't. Look what somebody put on my desk. (HE TAKES OUT THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPING) MARCY I put that there. STEVE Why? MARCY 'Cause it was your turn to shop and tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine is a great deal. (STEVE REACTS) FADE OUT: END OF ACT TWO THE END |
MARCY Steve? Al told me I'd find you here. What's wrong? STEVE I was just sitting here trying to decide how to tell you something terrible. MARCY What is it, Steve? STEVE I'm going bald. MARCY And? STEVE That's it. That's the news. MARCY Honey, I've known that since the day you got on your knees to propose. STEVE Then you still think I'm attractive? MARCY Oh, Steve. Of course I do. Anybody would. (THEY HUG) STEVE Well, somebody doesn't. Look what somebody put on my desk. (HE TAKES OUT THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPING) MARCY I put that there. STEVE Why? MARCY 'Cause it was your turn to shop and tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine is a great deal. (STEVE REACTS) FADE OUT: END OF ACT TWO THE END |
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